**Scroll Down to read the Questions and Answers that have been sent to me**

I suppose you are here to learn something from me. Well, I’m not sure what you want to know and couple that with my acute case of laziness and nothing has been written. Instead I encourage you to ask me a question. Perhaps my life experiences will help you solve your own personal dillemma's. Anything you would like to know from my life you can ask me…and I will respond the best way I know how; with sarcastic ramblings that will make you wish you hadn’t wasted your time here in the first place.

If I really like your question I will post the answer to it here on my website for all to read. So, go ahead, and try me. You may be surprised how much I have done throughout my life.

Below I have included an email form for you to ask me the burning questions you have been wanting answered:

................................................................................................................................................

Dear Jon, 

All of the women I've ever had sex with were fat chicks with low self-esteem. It's not like I go after then, I'm just a magnet for chubbies with daddy issues. Is there anyway I can move up the "sexy food chain"?

Nick

Hello Nick,

Yes...there is a definitive way to move up the "sexy food chain." First off, don't stop going after girls with low self-esteem. This is your "niche" and your only chance at true love.

When you go to a bar scour the perimeter of the room (also known as the "sweet spot"). Girl's with low self-esteem rarely are found on the dance floor. They typically sit in a dark corner with their pocketbook between their legs and a look of "nobody wants me" on their face.

Girls with low self-esteem come in all shapes and sizes. The perimeter of a good bar will be a smorgasbord of girl's with daddy issues and body defects. What you need to do is decide what is most important to you and what you can sacrafice. It seems you aren't interested in anymore chubby girls. So go after the girl with a cleft lip or the one that has weird eyebrows. If you want the "hot chick" you are gonna have to search a little harder and find the girls that have an abused past. The hot girl's only have low self-esteem when they have been abused by another man...and you can capitalize on this. You just need to be persistent and have a "hawk eye" for the look of an abused girl.

Always remember the motto..."If the girl has a bruise you can never lose"

Hope this helps.

~ Jon
................................................................................................................................................

Dear Jon,
I am new to the Boston area, and a lot of ladies have been asking me to call them up when I have free time. The only thing I used to do back west is watch tv and go on hikes to the nearest food store. Please Jon, help me get some ideas on where the ladies would like to go and how to 'woo' them. This city has so much to offer, please be my guide?

Forever in your debt,
-Mr. Clueless 

Mr. Clueless,

Woo? You want to 'woo' a lady? What are you from the 1950's? You are!!! Sweet!!!

In that case, here's what to do. Invite her to the Sock Hop and later in the night drive to Make-Out point so you can go up her poodle skirt in the back seat of  your Ford Fairlane. Actually scratch that. Better yet, you should just sit at home and wait for the girl to invite you to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Trust me...just sit and wait...she'll call.

Girls love when guys play hard to get.

Hope this helps,

Jon
................................................................................................................................................

Dear Jon,

With summer approaching I have concerns about my swimming habits in the local lake. As it is a public beach I'm afraid my floating terds may become a health concern for children and other swimmers. I have experimented with various modifications to my diet, but I have yet to find a food that results in consistently submerged and sinkable poops. Do you have any advise on how to ensure my poops sink?

Regards,
swimmin-in-it 

Dear Swimmin-in-it,

THAT WAS YOU!!! God damn it. What kind of sick fuck shits in a public lake!!! Your terd hit me in the eye last summer. MY EYE!!! 

What's wrong with you?

If you want to make your terds sink maybe you should start eating lawn darts or try tying mini-cement shoes to your tootsie rolls. Better yet, here's an idea...rather than finding a way to sink your lincoln logs why don't you just stop shitting in the lake. 

I'm gonna go take a shower.

~ Jon

...............................................................................................................................................

raeD noJ, 

roF emos emit won ev'I dah a melborp htiw aixelsyd. ev'I deirt gnihtyreve, tub I kniht s'ti gnitteg esrow. ev'I deciton ti ni ym gnitirw dna m'I deirrow. tahW dluow uoy dnemmocer I od? elpoeP tsuj kniht m'I nialp diputs!

htieK

Dear htieK,

Lucky for you I have battled dyslexia my entire life and know exactly what you are going through. Constantly doing things backwards can be very troubling…but I’m here to help.

I call this cure "Pirate Your Way To Health":

Buy yourself a pirate patch and cover one eye. This won’t correct your dyslexia, but it will make for good conversation. When people ask what happened to your eye just tell them you lost it while searching for buried treasure. If they don’t believe you begin to litter your vocabulary with words like “doubloon” and “land lubber”. Tell some poorly written jokes about a poop deck and make someone walk the plank. Oh…that’s right…you’re gonna need a plank. You can pick one up in the home and garden section of Ocean State Joblot (shittycheapstuff.com).

Cut off one hand and replace it with a coat hanger. Buy a parrot and teach it pig latin. Walk on a peg leg made of wicker and change your name to Red Beard McGruff.

Eventually people will be so enthralled by your complete insanity, dyslexia will be the least weird thing about you.

Always at your service,

Noj

............................................................................................................................................... 

Jon,

I have a real problem with Alien abduction. Sometimes I'll be sitting on the toilet when BAM! I'm zapped away.
Is there any way to stop this? I have taken to wearing tin foil hats so they can't read my mind but this doesn't
seem to work?

~ Kalunda

Dear Kalunda,

You would be surprised how often I get this question. I'll never forget the first time I encountered Aliens.
It was about 6 years ago and at the time I was farming tulips. It was a hot summer day and I was leaned over
planting the tulip bulb. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! I was raped by a Mexican.

So, I guess the first question I would have to ask you is: Are these Aliens Extraterrestrials or Mexicans?

If the Aliens are extraterrestrials the best thing to do is learn kung-fu. A common misunderstanding is that
Aliens are good at martial arts when in fact their giant heads and frail limbs leave them with poor balance.
A swift roundhouse kick to the head will surely send them running.

If the Aliens are Mexicans...don't be a farmer.

................................................................................................................................................